Put . . . Down . . . the Caterpillar!

April 26, 2009

In a move that is becoming increasingly familiar, the Obama administration again reversed its stated policy of not prosecuting members of the FBI, the CIA, and the armed forces for acts committed while following legal orders and policies which were in place at the time. Citing concern about America's image abroad expressed by MoveOn.org and George Soros, the President has decided to pursue charges against the Navy SEAL sharpshooters who took out three of the Somalis holding Maersk Alabama Captain Richard Phillips hostage.

An administration official explained that, like the rules governing companies that take Federal TARP and bailout money, "this policy was never set in stone, and the damage to the American image that killing three teenage 'nobodies who have been forced by the Imperialist west into criminal behavior' has done among our Muslim friends around the world was simply unacceptable. Something had to be done about it."

Those who have been following the recent clarification of terms will recall that "nobodies who have been forced by the Imperialist west into criminal behavior" is the Obama administration's new term for "enemy combatants," and that the term has recently been expanded to include the people formerly known as "pirates."
The spokesperson elaborated: "It was felt by many in the administration that killing was nearly as egregious a crime as putting those captured on the battlefield who had a fear of creepy crawly things in an enclosed space with insects. That was the real basis of the decision to go forward with the prosecution."

The spokesperson indicated that prosecution would also be sought against those who had used insects to terrorize the aforementioned "nobodies who have been forced by the Imperialist west into criminal behavior."

In a related move, the Obama family has decided to adopt Mohamed Abdi, the 16-year-old pirate who was captured in the Maersk Alabama incident and now faces trial as an adult in Federal Court. Abdi, however, will not be eligible to attend the prestigious Sidwell Friends school the Obama daughters attend, because, as a presidential spokesperson explained, "the paperwork for the adoption will likely not be completed in time for him to attend as a family member, and federal funds to pay his tuition are no longer available. Plans are to have him pursue his GED. The Obamas feel they owe him that much after the trauma the SEALS put him through."

Madonna and Angelina Jolie did not return this reporter's phone calls, although Jolie's spokesperson did intimate that Jolie was "furious" that the Obamas were competing with her for tabloid space "over this adoption thing."